~Smiles~

My Friends Are AWESOME!!!

welcome to my life

April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 October 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 June 2008 October 2008 February 2009 January 2010 February 2010 May 2010 June 2010 December 2010 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2012 December 2012 March 2013 December 2013 January 2014 April 2014 November 2014 March 2015

It is already Day 6 since the passing of Mr Lee.

There’s still a certain stillness and calm that continue to permeate the air. Many tributes to this man credited with the founding of Singapore. Indeed, I feel extremely blessed, to be born into this country, for the education that I am able to receive, the lifestyle, and the safety for which I am able to walk back home in the still of the night— all these that make up my home. I am definitely not alone in harbouring such sentiments. In fact, the long lines waiting outside the Parliament House was something I never imagined.

That being said, I feel a tinge of scepticism towards some of the tributes and portrayals, almost to the point whereby it simply presents itself as being superficial, in some sense, the politically, culturally correct response to the death of an important historical figure. As saddening as his death is for the nation, there is just this disconnect in how people viewed him before and after death. For many of us, he is indeed a man who contributed towards bringing us to where we are today, albeit some dubious decisions made in his time, which have been relentlessly used to castigate him time and time again throughout his career.Yet, since, his death, there is a sudden expression of unseen "reverence", with many portrayal of the success of a nation as his soliloquy, masking over the very various criticisms the very public has drawn up against him throughout the years. That is not to say that I am critical about the entire situation per say. The media’s commemorative portray of his contributions have drawn criticisms from some as a tool of hegemony, as an ideological tool of the government- in using propaganda to entrench authority. Yet, what disturbs me was the way in which such discourses steer towards personal attacks on their background, educational level, social classes etc. which hints at the deeper, unseen, division that has been plaguing the nation in the recent years. I am not a PAP fanatic and I do not understand or call myself a patriotic supporter of his policies and all. I have had the privilege of being born after the tumulus years, have never been through the circumstances he was placed in. Who am I to judge when the very country I am born in, provides me with opportunities which I would not be able to get in our neighbouring countries. And this is precisely what calls out to me because I see all the things that could have gone wrong, but didn’t. Nobody can say that this journey was easy.

On a personal note, to those who have condemned him on moral grounds, what I can say is that it was never about moral ethics. It was more about survival, survival of his ability to propagate the changes he wished to see in Singapore. As one of my friend has rightly pointed out, the only definite offering of democracy is the ability to change governments through the pen rather than the sword. In any case, no political party that hopes to enact their various policies, would ever help its rivals to power. It is about survival in the politics. I for one, cannot even begin to imagine how liberal democracy would work in a country like ours. Maybe I am too much of a coward to begin to fantasise about the possibility of the complete upheaval of our current political system. But then again, it goes to show how the system has fulfilled to a certain extend, the provision of some form of social stability, and therefore, can create an inertia where people do not see any pressing need for any radical overhaul of the system.

His determination and the integrity (you are free to disagree) of his values and promises towards his people, regardless of the means, deserves a reflective celebration. Let us give him this one week of mourning as a rightful salutation for his contributions, preferably without any prejudice for he is dead, and he has no need for more vindication or vilification. For as even in death few will be his equal. We, who have had the luxury of growing up in this safe and prosperous country, in a state that informs the worldview of what a modern Singaporean metropolis should look like just 50 years after its inception — this success continues as a legacy for us, as the future Singaporeans to build upon. At such, the death of him is more than just a death of a man. It is the death of a public icon and it signifies the closure of a long chapter of our history. His deeds become markers for us to evaluate the impacts he made in our country, for us to reflect on our society, its good and bad, to explore other potentials etc. I believe in constructive discourses without having to resort to ad hominem attacks, for only then can we truly create a home that is home's about its people, and where we can build our dreams together.

In remembrance of the him and gratitude for Singapore that he helped in shaping, I do mourn the loss of a great leader. Beyond that, I can only hope to be able to contribute as much as he did in my lifetime.

Sometimes, things just feel a little overwhelming, not so much of a physical manifestation but rather the mental drain from feeling too much.  Treading a thin line, feeling as if once the inertia has ceased, it will be an empty, devastating fall into a whirlpool of the unknown. Whether the whirlpool is the stairway to a better place seems so debatable,  a roll of a dice dictate the side of line where the story ends. It hurts knowing that maybe the truth has always been right there. But acceptance has never been easy. With every passing day it gets more concrete, as if it has always been set in stone.  And yet, circumstances seems to erode the stone as well. Swaying resolves, wandering thoughts that can't settle. Picking up pieces left behinds but what about it. Why bother picking them up when all that remains are incoherent, incomprehensible pieces, shattered, disillusioned visions and darken thoughts. Little by little, eating away the feelings you have,  diminishing the capacity to feel, to become so numb in order to not hurt. Numbness, the only hope of rest, from the turmoil within, solace and rest. Numbness for acceptance, true acceptance,  to detach away from expectations and explanations, from false pretenses, from the paradoxical way that things has turned out. Most of all. To be numb enough to not fall into that whirlpool beneath.

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.” — Henry Rollins

It's been a hell of a crazy week, and it feels like I am a complete wreck.
I feel like I need some closure. But I am grateful for the people who spent time with me and making sure that I was alright. So so grateful.




Haven't eaten anything today, and now I can't seem to sleep again.

I hurt. I keep wondering what is it that I have done. I can't seem to grab a hold on myself.

To know that this is ending is hard.
I try to be normal, pretending that everything will turn out fine.

But who am I kidding. You know yourself how it always ends. You've seen it since you were a kid.
And I am scared. Terrified.

And there's nothing I can do about it.




I wish i am a better person
It always seem like I just keep making the people around me sad, angry, annoyed.

I don't know what to do though. I can't seem do to anything right. Ever.
Sigh




So glad to be back home after such a long week. Had an awesome week at school, lots of fun with my house yesterday and all, but I am so worn out today. Slept in till almost noon in fact.

So this is Day #5 of 365Grateful

Labels: 365Grateful, Day #5